Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

You are who you surround yourself with. So it makes sense that you choose carefully the friends and family you keep in your long-term relationships since they impact your happiness and well-being.

There is a simple test that can help you decide if you should stay or go.

Ask yourself this simple question: Does someone treat me with respect?

The answer is Yes or No.

If yes, you stay. No, you go.

It's that simple.

No, ifs or buts about this.

How does the other person treat you when you are mistaken about something or do something wrong?

Do they jump on your back, go for the jugular, patronise you, lord it over you, play the i-win-you-lose game, use it as evidence they have superior-intellect to you, and act smug about being right?

Or do they bring it to your attention kindly, discuss it with you and give your points fair consideration, explain why they think your judgment might be inaccurate or flawed, show forgiveness and understanding, treat what happened as a learning experience, and employ communication skills not to weaken you but to strengthen the relationship?

How does the other person treat you when they are wrong?

Do they gaslight you and psychologically manipulate a situation to avoid having to deal with the problem and make you doubt your own sanity?

Or do they show accountability and apologise to help resolve the matter together with you?

We should all be fair to others and treat them with respect.

We should be fair to ourselves and treat ourselves with respect.

And respect ourselves enough to not take disrespect from anyone.

Nobody should make you feel small, stupid, ignorant, and worthless.

This applies to any close or casual personal relationships or your professional relationships.

We don't need to put up with any behaviour that is bad for our mental and emotional health. Neither should we allow any person to carry on the way they are if it hurts you. Nobody should be allowed to treat you in a manner that hurts you. You should not have to put up with it silently. Not in your friendships, or your love life, or your family life or your work life. A toxic relationship needs to be detoxed, not tolerated.

How do you detox?

Communicate clearly and work it out together.

Step 1. First, figure out why you are upset and make a list of some action steps or solutions that can be done which works for you. Be self aware. Be clear on your own boundaries.

Step 2. Talk to the other person about it honestly and directly.

Step 3. Ask the other person for their ideas on how to resolve it. Then offer them the suggestions from the ideas you came up with.

Step 4. Listen to the other person’s take on it and take note of it. Watch if their follow up actions match up to their words.

Step 5. Decide what you are going to do to take it from there.

Notice there isn't a stairway to heaven that detoxifies a relationship with it's-my-way-or-the-highway. There isn't a step that says only your viewpoint matters, or a step that says there is no need to understand where the other person is coming from. There isn't a step that says only the other person is to change the way you expect them to. Because none of those steps are what a respectful relationship is about.

But there is a next step that allows you to draw a line for yourself, and not let someone cross your boundaries.

If after encouraging all that with love and kindness, if despite repeated attempts and opportunities to figure out a different approach to resolve the situation in a way that works for both of you, if there isn't a give and take, and if the same problems persists, you then need to make a decision to remove yourself from the relationship. Make a decision to keep the ones who keep tearing you down nice from far, since they are far from nice to you. Keep the people who build you up and help you grow, close in your inner circle.

Everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. Unless they choose different, we cannot control who they choose to be. We need to accept that they are who they are. So much easier to say. So much harder to do. Anyways, they can do them. You just do you.  

Even though you understand why someone may behave a certain way, it does not mean you need to tolerate such a repeat pattern affecting your life, especially if it is destroying you. There is no need to hang in there and be a long suffering sucker. You should not have to put up with any relationships that is not healthy for you. Just let that person go from your life so you can get on with yours.  

And what if you suddenly realize you are someone's difficult person?

Just detox with Steps 1 to 3, and just as suddenly you aren't so difficult anymore!